Humor
From time to time I will post some of humorous stories or funny photos here.
(OK, I know fishing is serious business but sometimes you just have to laugh. After all, we are out to have fun. aren’t we?)
*****************************************************
*****************************************************
The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.’Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘that’s really not so bad. ‘When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, ‘New house, new madam, new girls. ‘The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
‘Hi Keith’
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house,” and he said “no.” Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
(True Story) – Don’t mess with old people.
*************************************************
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE.The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU, LORD? “The voice replied, ” NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”
*********************************************************
Give a squirrel a nut and you never know what might happen!!!
****************************************************
A Condensed Version of History
For those who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer; and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals…just to tick them off.
Anonymous
